Patron Mexican Grill

I've been avoiding this tackily branded establishment for a while now. They seemed to pop-up over night, and in locations all over the west side, distracting from the usual jumble of sleek foodie restaurants and gaudy Asian fusion that generally peppers mid-town along 9th avenue.  I'd further avoided Patron  (be warned of the link, the music about to come from your speakers is trite and annoying) because of the unexpectedly high prices for:

a.) Mexican Food, and 
b.) What seems to be a pre-fabricated local chain.

 Even in NY, I don't expect most places that offer a $5 Margarita to charge more than $2.50 for a taco, especially since there is still at least once place in the Lower East Side that offers dollar tacos (on tuesdays only. If you order a beer. Review coming soon).

Anyway, I eventually caved because they were offering a groupon for half off dinner for two, so I grabbed by beau and made her eat tacos with me.  Here's what we found:

The Taco: 4/5

I hate to say it, but the darn thing was pretty good. There is a pattern to ordering tacos in NY, and Patron fits itpretty well.  If you're at a trendy restaurant feel safe ordering the steak, if it's a hole-in-the-wall taco joint stick with Carnitas, Chorizo, Lengua, etc. In general, avoid the chicken. Patron's prices are higher, but it's because they offer tacos with things like nicely marinated and grilled skirt steak. It almost misses the taco experience since it's more like having a nice steak that happens to be wrapped in a corn tortilla, but they save it with a proper marinade and the right sort of toppings. To their credit, their tortillas are handmade and quite good - a quintessential part of the authentic experience often missed in NY. The meat was stellar. Grilled like a steak and chopped after so it may be cooked to order. Tender and delicious. The Carnitas were exceptional and mixed with some sort of sweet fruit (mango? Pineapple?) or perhaps marinated in the right fruit juices that made it a unique treat. If you go with a friend order one of each and split them, you'll be happy you did.

Acoutrement: 2/5

There were sauces, I'm sure of that because I have pictures. They apparently weren't worthy of note taking. I will say that when meat is that good, there is no reason to cover it up with sauces unless they are exquisite. I'd not call them that, I'd call them forgettable, which is too bad because I'm usually a sucker for mysterious looking dark orange sauces. I did enjoy the addition of avocado, that always helps and the side of beans and rice makes it a full meal, but they definitely lacked in the salsa category.

Value: 2/5

Regardless of how much I actually enjoyed the food when it got to my mouth, the price of the place has kept me from going again, which makes me think the final cost/experience ratio is lacking. I was charged $17 for 4 tacos that, while tasty and filling, still comes out to over $4 a taco, and homey don't play that. Go with a groupon or if you plan on balancing your bill with the $5 margaritas.

Other: 2/5

$5 margaritas are noteworthy, though not exceptional, the service was slow, ambiance loud, and the other food offerings were uncomfortably priced for Mexican cuisine. I do need to mention the Avocado fries. Remember when Burger King came out with Chicken Fries? This is disappointingly nothing like that. Avocado fries are a sort of deep fried ice cream, substituting the traditionally delicious dairy product for avocado. This had a ton of potential to be crispy and delicious and cool, but it was overly bready and doughy and....well, just not what one might hope for. So don't be tempted! They sound like a good idea, but if good sounds were delicious, there'd be no such thing as a starving musician.

OVERALL: 3/5

In the end, the tacos were a much better experience than I was expecting but the price/atmosphere/service dragged this rating down pretty far. If your friends are looking for a bar experience and you are looking for tacos (and don't mind shelling out for them) go to Patron, otherwise I'd check some of the earlier blog posts for decent tacos in the $2.50 range.

Crif Dogs

After everything I'd heard about this place, I was expecting something a bit more....grand. Most of the other major dog places in the city have bright and huge signage, multiple locations, and are, well, ABOVE ground. When I walked down the stoop into this punkish underbelly of the lower east side I realized that its understated nature IS the appeal of the spot. 

 Crif Dogs opened in 2001, and it retains the gritty feel of an older lower east side even while the neighborhood becomes more and more overcome by the encroaching hipster culture and the pretentious denizens of NYU. Crif dogs comfortably nestles in an area filled with pipe shops, tattoo parlors, edgy thrift stores; when I walked down the stoop into the semi-underground shop and saw the video game machines dating back from the 80's (Double-dragon anyone?),  I knew I had found a true hipster heaven. My only hope was that, like so many fads, there was some sort of fabulous underlay that caused all this hype in the first place. 

Somehow they wrap the bacon and make it crispy.  How? HOW?!

The Dog: 4/5

In the end, it's just a bunch of mystery beef and pork bits, but it's still pretty tasty. They have a couple of different options, the 'snappy all-beef frankfurter' which is basically an NY Coney Island type dog, and the 'Crif Dog' which is a handmade pork and beef mix.  I personally like the all-beef version better, but I appreciate their daring do and the Crif Dog is quite good as well.  The only reason is doesn't get a 5 is because Kobe-Beef dogs exist in this world, and there has to be room left for the best.  All in all, a tasty, snappy, quintessential type dog.

Acoutrement: 6/5

These sorts of toppings will get you hung in parts of Europe

Look, I know this isn't a real score, but any place that offers sour cream, pineapple, scallions (all together mind you), or bagel seeds (something else I'm pretty sure isn't real) than you get extra credit types of points. Crif Dogs has a substantial menu, considering they basically just serve hot dogs, and it's all because of the different combinations of toppings. Cream cheese, you can get a cream cheese dog. It's almost offensive in its boundary breaking.

Value: 4/5

A basic dog will run you less than $3, many of the toppings can be had for free, and the more exotic combinations don't add up to more than $5. That's only a touch more expensive than a Nathan's Famous, but you get real toppings and don't have to swim through a deluge of tourists. In addition, they have value packs that are mysterious assortments of food not divulged on the menu. I'm saving that for a future adventure.

Also, Spy Hunter.  Man I love that joystick.

Other: 5/5

Tater Tots.  Need I say more?  They also have a secret speakeasy in the evenings that can be accessed through the phone booth.  It's called Please Don't Tell. Oops.

OVERALL: 5/5

Not gonna lie, I've already been there multiple times. If I could drag my ass to the lower east side more often, I'd likely be there weekly, it's that good. I've also brought friends, cousins, and girlfriends to check it out. You should too. And then you should take me. And then I'll take you. And then we'll just go together as buddies one more time. Yup.

You see the joy in his eyes?  You want this.